Since my mother, Joyce's passing in 2015, life has been a roller coaster of emotions. It is like I joined a "club" that I didn't want the membership to. Both of my parents were a source of comfort, communication and understanding and this was all gone in a flash. Seems like the questions I hadn't asked her were still bubbling just below the surface...we loved our chats!
The first year after her death was a blur...I was lost.
I cleared a space in my house just for me. My girls wanted a "make up" room and perhaps, another office. Not me, no way! I created my music & meditation room! A cozy place where I find my solace and happy to share if you don't mind a variety of candles, assortment of glimmering crystals, my acoustic guitar, colouring books - mindful books ( yeh, whatever I love to colour!), angel card decks & pics of those I love and some no longer with me here on Earth.
Gave myself permission
I spent most of 2016 in a deep dive in personal development. For 9 months, I worked on me, seeking answers about myself & determined to figure out what life's purpose holds for me. At the end of one of my course's, I invited Pete, my husband, daughter's Claudia, 20 & Ally 17, and a couple of friends to my "10 minute life story." This was incredibly tough as I had discovered the underpinning to the turning points in my life were fraught with self doubt and "second guessing" myself. I also shared my childhood memories (good & bad) that I buried for decades. I felt a huge sense of relief as forgiveness provided me with an opportunity to "let go" of past stories that I had held onto - even subconsciously.
Back to the shift
I began to realise that a life of second guessing myself and my fear of failure was an excuse for not taking a chance on what really brings me joy. I needed to dig deep and TRUST my own intuition. 2017...more of the same with my struggle in finding joy & meaning in my day to day work life as a business developer for a global company. This was also the around the same time I wrote "Hummingbird"in memory of our beautiful Natalie I was following my soul's guidance then...
I was feeling out of sorts most days and I had experienced acute pain in my abdomen for several months during my monthly cycle. I knew something wasn't right but I soldiered on - sound familiar, ladies?
Each November, during the Melbourne Cup Race week, my lovely mother-in-law visits for Oaks Day - Ladies Day. We were all dressed up for the all day event & had a blast with lots of laughs and cocktails! The very next day, I collapsed on the driveway after work and was rushed to ER. That same weekend I had emergency surgery followed by another surgery just weeks later...a complete hysterectomy - bing, bang, gone.
I will spare you the details of my surgery but what I will share is my reflection on the 18 months leading up to the surgery - perimenopause? What the hell?? I didn't realise this even existed! It can start in some women as early as 30s & 40s! Whoa, just wait a minute here, everyone talks about the BIG M but why aren't more women discussing the time prior when you lose your shit and everything is on a downward slope not to mention the crazy changes in your cycle?? I don't think we have to put up with years of feeling like an alien...
I will have you know, I survived with the help of my family, close friends and a great specialist, Dr. Martin Hill in Malvern who sorted out what my body was lacking through blood work & recommendation of a natural plant based HRT (hormone replacement treatment) program = Vitality, Clarity, Energy - a chance of feeling normal again!
So today, a year and half after my surgery I can say that I have truly shifted my mental and physical state so not to succumb to what "google" riddles with articles saying WE as women, are doomed and get ready for your aged care facility - I think not. My shift has evolved from within and I accept who I am and everyday, I fit in "self-care" in some way, shape or form like a soak with my fav smelling bath bomb, massage, bushwalking in the You Yangs, a weekend retreat with my guru, Rachel Harmer, meditation, yoga, a nap or "dancing like no one is watching" whatever it takes to reconnect with myself. Be kind to yourself ladies!
Mind, Body and Soul. Just take time to reconnect & BREATHE...Rise Sister Rise!
Special thanks to Emma (blogger extraordinaire) https://emmahondzinski.wordpress.com/author/emmahondzinski/ for her guidance and inspiration. Thanks dropping by & next chat coming soon xo